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callunavWhen I was in my twenties (so, in the 90s), I was frequently asked by small children whether I was a boy or a girl. Since I have large breasts and a general conformation that no adult would have thought twice about identifying as female, I was puzzled by this. However, when I asked them why they asked, they just got insistent about an answer and could not explain. To them, it was my question that made no sense.
One day I was working in a residential program as a milieu counselor* and a 10-year-old boy with a lot of anger was actually doing a pretty good job of controlling himself when provoked. The lead counselor asked me to take him outside to the small, not-in-use playground to let him blow off steam, and support him for not losing it. So we went out, and at first, all he could do was walk in angry circles around the perimeter of the playground, muttering and steaming. I sat on a bench and just let him walk it off. Anger at the whole world necessarily included me, and so he muttered derogatory things when near me, including calling me 'he-she'.
I suspect I was probably supposed to tell him to not to, but I didn't. I was lit up with possibility, because he was older than the children who were genuinely puzzled about my sex or gender (I didn't know which, and they probably weren't distinguishing) and might, if he chose, actually be able to explain. It was clear he didn't actually have any doubt that I was female, but he saw something similar to what those younger children were seeing. So when he circled back around, I called, "Hey! I'm not mad, I just want to know. Why did you call me he-she?"
A little sullenly, he said, "Because you're kind of like a woman and kind of like a man." And he walked off.
When he came around again, I said, "How am I kind of like a woman and kind of like a man?"
He shrugged. "You look like a woman but you act like a man." And he walked off again.
He knew I was a woman, so when he circled back, I only asked about the other piece: "How do I act like a man?"
Instead of answering with words, he held his arms away from his body and moved his feet apart, and walked a few steps pantomiming someone taking up a great deal of space.
So, there was my answer. I couldn't say it wasn't true. (Apparently, for a lot of children, body language outweighs static appearance. This fascinates me.)
Of all the things I struggle with regarding my body, my sex isn't one. I have an adult female body, don't mind it, and don't try to hide it (which would in any case require a tent and a couple smoke bombs, at this point). I take up a lot of space, and I tend to sprawl when I'm sitting. I have called myself bi as well as queer for about 30 years now although all of my sustained relationships have been with women; my sexual preference appears to be other queer people. I feel no appeal from conventional femininity, nor any from conventional masculinity. I wear mostly loose cotton clothing in solid colors, and I have a fondness for jewel tones and soft, draping fabrics. I typically wear men's shoes and always ones I can walk and stand comfortably in, with no heels, although there are currently fashions for men's shoes I don't follow: blindingly clean athletic shoes in stark color contrast to the rest of the clothing is both too much work for me and not my aesthetic. I wear a lot of jewelry, only the necklace-of-the-day chosen purely for ornamental purposes. I carry a purse these days because my neck muscles went on strike eventually over the loaded photographer's vest I used to wear instead. I never wear makeup and keep my nails very short, and I'm interested in the artwork that goes into both and intrigued by the changing fashions they follow. I like crocheting and martial arts. I prefer fantasy to science fiction, and I like action-adventure/thrillers. I'm pretty good at cooking, and I suck at the cyclical kinds of housework - I would always rather fix or improve things than clean them up. In college, I majored in feminist and gender studies, and minored in physics.
I don't consider myself gender-queer, although the rise of 'gender-queer' as an idea and an option fills me with delight. I see no reason why I shouldn't consider all the traits above equally congruent with a female gender identity. At the same time, I respect the decisions of people who have experienced gender as far more restrictive and have chosen their identity accordingly.
* also known as 'program staff' - the people who are employed in shifts around the clock to be with the kids/residents, and, using the therapeutic tools endorsed by the program, get them up in the morning, put them to bed at night, and chivy them more or less gently through every part of the day in between - and then stay awake all night in case it's not over.
One day I was working in a residential program as a milieu counselor* and a 10-year-old boy with a lot of anger was actually doing a pretty good job of controlling himself when provoked. The lead counselor asked me to take him outside to the small, not-in-use playground to let him blow off steam, and support him for not losing it. So we went out, and at first, all he could do was walk in angry circles around the perimeter of the playground, muttering and steaming. I sat on a bench and just let him walk it off. Anger at the whole world necessarily included me, and so he muttered derogatory things when near me, including calling me 'he-she'.
I suspect I was probably supposed to tell him to not to, but I didn't. I was lit up with possibility, because he was older than the children who were genuinely puzzled about my sex or gender (I didn't know which, and they probably weren't distinguishing) and might, if he chose, actually be able to explain. It was clear he didn't actually have any doubt that I was female, but he saw something similar to what those younger children were seeing. So when he circled back around, I called, "Hey! I'm not mad, I just want to know. Why did you call me he-she?"
A little sullenly, he said, "Because you're kind of like a woman and kind of like a man." And he walked off.
When he came around again, I said, "How am I kind of like a woman and kind of like a man?"
He shrugged. "You look like a woman but you act like a man." And he walked off again.
He knew I was a woman, so when he circled back, I only asked about the other piece: "How do I act like a man?"
Instead of answering with words, he held his arms away from his body and moved his feet apart, and walked a few steps pantomiming someone taking up a great deal of space.
So, there was my answer. I couldn't say it wasn't true. (Apparently, for a lot of children, body language outweighs static appearance. This fascinates me.)
Of all the things I struggle with regarding my body, my sex isn't one. I have an adult female body, don't mind it, and don't try to hide it (which would in any case require a tent and a couple smoke bombs, at this point). I take up a lot of space, and I tend to sprawl when I'm sitting. I have called myself bi as well as queer for about 30 years now although all of my sustained relationships have been with women; my sexual preference appears to be other queer people. I feel no appeal from conventional femininity, nor any from conventional masculinity. I wear mostly loose cotton clothing in solid colors, and I have a fondness for jewel tones and soft, draping fabrics. I typically wear men's shoes and always ones I can walk and stand comfortably in, with no heels, although there are currently fashions for men's shoes I don't follow: blindingly clean athletic shoes in stark color contrast to the rest of the clothing is both too much work for me and not my aesthetic. I wear a lot of jewelry, only the necklace-of-the-day chosen purely for ornamental purposes. I carry a purse these days because my neck muscles went on strike eventually over the loaded photographer's vest I used to wear instead. I never wear makeup and keep my nails very short, and I'm interested in the artwork that goes into both and intrigued by the changing fashions they follow. I like crocheting and martial arts. I prefer fantasy to science fiction, and I like action-adventure/thrillers. I'm pretty good at cooking, and I suck at the cyclical kinds of housework - I would always rather fix or improve things than clean them up. In college, I majored in feminist and gender studies, and minored in physics.
I don't consider myself gender-queer, although the rise of 'gender-queer' as an idea and an option fills me with delight. I see no reason why I shouldn't consider all the traits above equally congruent with a female gender identity. At the same time, I respect the decisions of people who have experienced gender as far more restrictive and have chosen their identity accordingly.
* also known as 'program staff' - the people who are employed in shifts around the clock to be with the kids/residents, and, using the therapeutic tools endorsed by the program, get them up in the morning, put them to bed at night, and chivy them more or less gently through every part of the day in between - and then stay awake all night in case it's not over.